While I realize that most people who come to this blog of mine only do so because of the pictures, I am going to ask everyone to please respect the great effort that I am about to put into this post and please read it. I feel that through my desire for this to not become a rant, I have built a false image of myself for all of you. I have been recieving a numerous amount of comments about how I am living the dream, but in truth my life has been far from what I would dream up. Nothing in life is so one-sidedly good or bad.
I left Ann Arobr on a whim. I had discovered something special in climbing and I thought that perhaps there could be more. I had been unemployed for almost three months at this point, due to my own ego (fast food was not yet among the options) and Michigan's horrible job market. I left everything I loved - my family, boyfriend and all things familiar - for what I did not yet know.
The first few months in Boulder were rocky, but I found a job and made lots of great friends. I also, through a horrible mistake on my part and the uncaring attitude at CU, added $13,000 of debt to my name. That added stress, however, did introduce me to life in a van and eventually Hueco Tanks.
Now, I am sure that most of you know of Hueco and my first road trip. It was certainly the best time of my life. I discovered something that made me more than truely happy, most of it was pure bliss. It was also completely unplanned. I went for six months on what I had saved from the job I had found in Boulder (not much) and ignored all of my previous debt. I also got horribly sick with bronchitis and had to take the ambulance to the hospital on my newly found lack of health insurance.
Upon my re-emergence into working society, I have had to finally come to terms with my debt. If you were to give me back all of the money that I have ever made working, I would still be in debt. This serious problem is why I am now trying to afford filling for bankruptcy. That however is now going to have to wait. A couple of months ago, I found out that my beloved home's engine is about to die and saving for a new home has taken precedence.
Through this I have stayed the same up-beat, stubbornly determined self that I have always been. ...for the most part. Today when my hard drive burnt it's self up and I lost the 40 some pages that I had written of my someday-will-be novel, I felt that I had hit rock bottom. With this new sense of despair, I felt truely lonely. Having a mobile home and life does not make it easy for deep friendships and connections. I have either left all of the people that I deeply care for or they have left me. And on top of that, everyone who thinks they are getting to know me or keeping up with me through this blog, have been misled.
This post is not my way of asking for help. Instead, I am just asking to be seen as I am - someone desperatly holding on to happiness, throughout all of life's struggles. Conscious life will always be better than the alternative.
I left Ann Arobr on a whim. I had discovered something special in climbing and I thought that perhaps there could be more. I had been unemployed for almost three months at this point, due to my own ego (fast food was not yet among the options) and Michigan's horrible job market. I left everything I loved - my family, boyfriend and all things familiar - for what I did not yet know.
The first few months in Boulder were rocky, but I found a job and made lots of great friends. I also, through a horrible mistake on my part and the uncaring attitude at CU, added $13,000 of debt to my name. That added stress, however, did introduce me to life in a van and eventually Hueco Tanks.
Now, I am sure that most of you know of Hueco and my first road trip. It was certainly the best time of my life. I discovered something that made me more than truely happy, most of it was pure bliss. It was also completely unplanned. I went for six months on what I had saved from the job I had found in Boulder (not much) and ignored all of my previous debt. I also got horribly sick with bronchitis and had to take the ambulance to the hospital on my newly found lack of health insurance.
Upon my re-emergence into working society, I have had to finally come to terms with my debt. If you were to give me back all of the money that I have ever made working, I would still be in debt. This serious problem is why I am now trying to afford filling for bankruptcy. That however is now going to have to wait. A couple of months ago, I found out that my beloved home's engine is about to die and saving for a new home has taken precedence.
Through this I have stayed the same up-beat, stubbornly determined self that I have always been. ...for the most part. Today when my hard drive burnt it's self up and I lost the 40 some pages that I had written of my someday-will-be novel, I felt that I had hit rock bottom. With this new sense of despair, I felt truely lonely. Having a mobile home and life does not make it easy for deep friendships and connections. I have either left all of the people that I deeply care for or they have left me. And on top of that, everyone who thinks they are getting to know me or keeping up with me through this blog, have been misled.
This post is not my way of asking for help. Instead, I am just asking to be seen as I am - someone desperatly holding on to happiness, throughout all of life's struggles. Conscious life will always be better than the alternative.
I mustn't be average, because the pictures are just a side benefit.. And obviously I'm clueless enough to not have entirely picked up on your image, considering that I've only recently realized that you're out living out of the beast... :)
Maybe this is just my desperately misled, misguided view of the situation reflecting the untruth of what I'm about to say, but I don't see this new revelation of your life as changing anything of my view of you and what you're up to. What I love about what you're doing is that you're doing what you love, and I have no misguided conceptions of your ability to somehow live an entirely debt-free sickness-free breakdown-free bohemian lifestyle. What matters is that the happiness is being sought after. I can't tell you how many times I've used you as an example when I talk to people and tell them about how much I respect you for leaving everything to do what you knew you wanted to do.
Maybe I'm just an idiot who doesn't understand it all, but it seems to me that the fact that you deal with reality and still continue to pursue happiness makes your image even more.. iconic, perhaps? I think that's the wrong word, but I'm tired. Oh well. You get the idea.
Thanx for posting this confession, Porscha. Life is seldom onesided and people like yourself will look back someday and say, "The struggle was the good part... I learned so much and don't have any would have.., should have..., should haves..." - Well, maybe you would have planned things out a little better before you left. Maybe you wouldn't have left at all if you had thought things through. You're 21 (almost 22) and learning things about yourself and what you need to do to live that most of us avoid and avoid learning.
I respect you for admitting life isn't one beautiful mountain after another for you. Please, keep me posted on the highs, lows and in-betweens.